Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Dear Fear. . .
Today's topic is Letter Writing. I thought about writing a letter to diabetes. Then I thought about writing to that wonderful nameless ER doc who pushed me, ever-so-gently, (and quickly) into signing papers that terrible night in order to administer insulin to our baby girl. I even thought about writing to glucagon and thanking it for being there when we need it. But, then I thought to myself, get real!
You don't own me, you know. I realize there are times when it seems I've been completely overcome by you. But, I won't give you that much credit. You've done quite a number on me throughout the years, I'll admit. The whole cancer thing? That was a good one. But even you know that God has used that for his good purposes!
You seem to creep up whenever and wherever you please. You seem to really revel on the first of every month when we need to pay bills. You use the nightly news at times to give me a good zing. But the main thing I despise you using against me is...my own kids. You know for certain that you can get to me through them. And I hate you for that.
Yes. I feel you watching me when I say goodbye to my boys as they ride off on their bikes to school. I noticed how you grinned when middle C had so much trouble with his asthma that the only thing we could do was call 911. The minutes it took for the paramedics to arrive seriously crippled me...emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. I'm sure that ambulance ride with my heart pounding gave you great pleasure.
But let's be really honest here. Your favorite scare tactic on me involves diabetes, doesn't it? You just love playing the diabetes card. I know you use so many aspects of that disease to try and get a hold of my heart---the numbers, my forgetfulness, the reality of complications and those middle of the night checks. I bet you can't wait for my muscles to tense up at 4 o'clock in the morning, when I toss, turn and finally tiptoe down the hall to check on my precious daughter just because "I have a feeling."
News stories about treasured children who lost their fight with diabetes, whether going undiagnosed or suffering a deadly hypoglycemic episode in their sleep...those must be opportunities you believe could really paralyze me. The thoughts in my head of earthquakes or other disasters that could prevent us from getting the supplies and life-saving insulin our daughter needs every day just to stay alive...that could do it. Don't you think?
But Fear, like I wrote in the beginning: you don't own me...God does. 1 John 4:18 states There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.
You see, I'm not perfect. But my God is...He is love. And so, when I look to Him instead of quivering at you, you just seem to disintegrate. I know to whom I belong. Now, it certainly is a life-long process, but I'm trying to be intentional in choosing a different viewpoint in those circumstances where it seems you would naturally pop up. I'm choosing to thank God for waking me at 4 o'clock in the morning to catch a low of 46, instead of fearing it will happen again and I not wake up. I'm choosing to take those heart-breaking stories of unfortunate children to fuel our advocacy fire. I'm choosing to let an earthquake remind me to stock up on C's insulin and supplies.
I understand I will deal with you the rest of my life. I just wanted you to know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
Sincerely and Most Assuredly,